Why New Moms Need a Reality Check

by Stacie McClintock on October 26, 2011

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When I was pregnant with our second daughter, my husband and I attended a birthing class.

With my first daughter, I suffered from severe depression both during and after my pregnancy. It was an extremely difficult time in my life and a decade ago, postpartum depression was not given the weight it is now. Additionally, there’s just a stigma that surrounds mental health issues of any kind, which (ironically) makes me really sad.

So you can imagine how well I did when the birthing instructor started telling women how beautiful labor and delivery was and how you would want to spend every waking second with your precious bundle of joy, from the minute he left the womb until he matriculated from high school.

When she first said this, I spoke up. I brought up how, it’s actually really difficult to want to spend time with your new baby when he’s been screaming all night because he’s colicky and you’re sleep deprived with an influx of hormones. And I told her I thought it was wrong that such an expectation was set up for new mothers.

I was quickly dismissed, both by the instructor and several sets of parents who really believed that labor, delivery, and the few months after would be filled with rainbows and roses.

During our lunch break, I spoke to a young mother who was terrified of giving birth. Not only that, she practiced ballet and theater and was worried about things like how having a baby would affect her career. What if her body didn’t bounce back? What if her baby wouldn’t nurse? What if, heaven forbid, she didn’t want to nurse her baby?

Again, I brought it up to the instructor, and again, I was dismissed.

So angry was I that during my next prenatal check, I complained to my own doctor about the instructor and told her that this is exactly why new mothers often feel such a sense of failure. I’m happy to say that the birthing instructor no longer leads a class at the hospital I birthed in.

But this story brings up an important point. New mothers are often set up for failure. And they need to know that it’s okay to feel like you can’t do it all. If you want to nurse, great! If not, that’s okay too! Want to have a combination of both so you can sleep for more than a few hours at a time? I think that’s an excellent plan. Here’s a few other things new mothers need to remember:

It’s okay to not adore your baby every single second of every single day. Guess what? If you were crying and screaming for hours on end, your baby probably wouldn’t want to hang out with you either. Now, I’m not saying that they can help it, because they can’t. But don’t beat yourself up if you really feel like you just need an hour to yourself.

Never be afraid to ask for help. Again, this goes back to having a little time for yourself. No matter how much you want to be Wonder Woman, you need to put away your crown and knee-high boots for a while. As much as you dread picking up the phone and asking your mother-in-law to come over because you know she’ll think you’re weak, do it anyway. Trust me. You need to.

You’ll be exhausted. And not just because you are up five times a night to feed the baby. You’re tired because being a parent is draining. It’s filled with constant emotions (partly because your hormones are all over the place and in part because it’s both frustrating and joyous). And if you’re a first-time mom, you worry if you’re doing everything right. If you’ve been a mom before, you’re worrying about whether or not you’re spending enough time with your other kids.

Labor and delivery is not all roses and rainbows. And I mean that. Nine out of 10 women who tell you that labor is painless, beautiful, and that they left the hospital in their pre-pregnancy jeans are liars. Seriously. You do not gain 35+ pounds during pregnancy and leave the hospital in your skinny jeans people! On top of it, labor is really filled with lots of people looking at your most private areas and telling you to push like you’re pooping. Really. How beautiful is that?

Obviously, there are many things that are beautiful about being a parent – if it wasn’t rewarding I certainly wouldn’t have done it twice. But I, for one, am so tired of women feeling as though they’ve failed themselves and their children because of society’s expectation that we can be and do everything from the moment we give birth. It’s not realistic and it’s totally okay to say, “guess what? I really can’t do it all.”

photo credit: Upsilon Andromedae

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Tagged as: New Babies, Postpartum depression, Tips for New Moms

  • http://www.onmulberry.wordpress.com yen

    Yes! I wholeheartedly agree with you on all of this. I’m glad to see more conversation about the hardships of motherhood, that it’s not just an effortless beautiful and mysterious thing. It takes a lot of work and patience, and the rewards are endless, but seriously there is no need to gloss over the poop and the sleepless nights. I think if we all talk more about the reality of motherhood, maybe there will be less sensation that failure is a thing, and that women will see that there are so many different ways to be a mom and none of them are right or wrong.

  • henny ort

    What a service to uss readers, who are tired, tired, tired of being tired when we are supposed to be cheering horray. Indeed, having a baby, all healthy and hale, is a blessing, no doubt about that. Yet we mothers can really get whacked from it, and I thank you for bring it up.

  • Chris

    I second that. I was the first of my friends to have a baby and didn’t have a good sense of what life would be like with a baby. I literally thought I would be at the mall a few days after labour with my new stroller and a starbucks looking rested and with my pre- baby body. I was shocked to find out this wasn’t the case at all and a real blow to my confidence. This is definitely a topic that is still not talked about enough and unfortunately causes many misconceptions to moms.

  • Julie C.

    Here, here! With my first born in late Fall, I don’t think I knew what time it was or got outside much in the first six months! It was an insane, and lovely, time but was all I could do to feed him and I — nothing much else got done!

  • http://glamsavestyle.com Lori

    You’re right, I agree with you and think that instructor is cuckoo for cocoa puffs. I just had a baby late September and there was nothing “beautiful” about being in labor. I spent 24 hours with contractions that went from mild to feeling like death pains, had the anesthesiologist yell at me to stay still because I couldn’t stay still for the epidural because the contractions made me feel like I was gonna die, to getting to 8 cm dilated, to the baby’s heartbeat being very high and very low and then the OB saying I need a C section to be on the safe side. Then I got all drugged up that I couldn’t feel the “joy” or any emotion once I heard my son’s first cry. Then the first month no one told me about the sheer exhaustion. When DH went out of town on business, I drove about 3 hours to my mom’s house to get help. Being able to get sleep while grandma babysat was the best thing so I could then be a better parent when I went back home. So yeah, if you need help definitely get it!

  • Leah

    I’m not a mom, or even an expectant one, but I think this post is fabulous. All of the things you brought up are things that I have given a lot of thought (and worried over) when I think of future children I hope to have. Thank you for an insightful and HONEST post.

  • stacie

    Thank you Leah. I appreciate your feedback, as well as everyone else’s. In talking to many moms, I have found the consensus to be the same — they all felt a sense of failure at some juncture in those first months, and primarily because of the expectations put on them by society. Just keep this all in mind when you have your babies! : -)

  • stacie

    @Lori, good for you for reaching out to your mom. Many new parents won’t do that for fear of looking like they’ve failed. And I have to say that sleep deprivation is the root of all evil (at least in my opinion!!) and it’s something they don’t tell you about before the baby comes. Instead, they tell you that the baby will sleep a lot and that you should sleep when they do. Yeah right!

  • Kate

    @Stacie and everyone, really. I’m so glad to read this post. It reminds me of a conversation I had with a friend of mine, who just had a baby, about comparing birthing/baby experiences. Each circumstance is completely unique and different from anything else. Even for the same mom on her second (or third or more) child. I think that comparing ourselves, if even just to our own expectations, gets us into trouble. The reality, as Stacie put it so well, is what comes. As a new mom, you decide as you go based on what you’ve been given. Thanks for the good reminder because I think this applies to parenting in general, through oh the many years.

  • FirstTimeMom

    Actually, I disagree completely with this article. As a first time mom I have heard nothing but negative horror stories from moms. It gets to be so tiring to hear the same things over and over again. There should be an unwritten rule that moms should only complain about their labors, births, child rearing etc. with other moms. Please do not burden women with your experiences, many of who have longed for a baby, before their time. I kindly request this of all you moms!

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  • Stacie

    @FirstTimeMom
    I posted this same message to you in the forum you linked from, but wanted to list this here as well, just in case you don’t see it.

    And I agree . . . new moms DO need a positiveness. In fact, that was the underlying message of my post. What my post addressed was the expectations society puts on new mothers . . . often to the detriment of the sanity of new moms . . . and the often negative images associated with moms who choose to bottle feed over nurse, moms who decide to give themselves a break, moms who take time for themselves, etc. To put it in perspective, let me share my story in abbreviated form.

    The first time I had a baby, I was 22 years old and married. I suffered from severe depression both during and after my pregnancy. Reading back through my journals from that period in my life is heartbreaking as I realize now that I was very close to ending both my own life and, as a result, that of my unborn child’s as well.

    During my pregnancy, my doctor told me it would get better, that once the baby was born she would sleep a lot, nursing would come naturally and with it, weight loss. Unfortunately, my daughter was colicky and didn’t want to nurse. As a result, I felt like a failure as mother, viewing myself as someone that just couldn’t get it right. As my daughter got older, things did get easier and now she’s a beautiful “twelve-teen” who’s in the thick of middle school and one of the most prized accomplishments of my life.

    Because of the severe depression I faced, I was scared —no, terrified — to have another baby. However, once I hit 30, I began to long for the sweetness of new life. And so the adventure began again. Only this time, we went through 2nd pregnancy infertility and multiple miscarriages. Once I was finally (successfully) pregnant and able to put the anxiety of a miscarriage behind me, I was determined to go through natural labor, nurse my heart out, and enjoy those newborn moments that I truly missed out on the first time.

    And I did make it through labor without any drugs. But guess what? It hurt. Of course it hurt. And anyone who tells you that pushing something out of a 10cm hole doesn’t hurt is not being honest with you. Frankly, if you think delivering a baby isn’t painful, you’re kidding yourself. And yes, there are drugs to certainly help ease the pain and if you want to take them, by all means, you should allow yourself that reprieve. And even as a second baby, she still took 18 hours of laboring to arrive.

    I also nursed our second child. But guess what? At 4 months, she decided she didn’t want to nurse anymore. And after nearly a dozen meetings with a lactation consultant who told me I was doing it wrong, I finally decided that I was going to not stress about it anymore. Did a lot of my friends think I should persist in nursing? Yes. But did it save my sanity to decide I didn’t need to? Yes. And when I finally stopped taking the Mother’s Milk pills and pumping 15 times a day to try and feed her breast milk, my relationship with her changed too. I was able to enjoy her coos and snuggle her when she ate rather than worrying about if she would get enough to eat.

    My post was not meant to be “negative Nancy.” My post was meant to encourage mothers to take care of themselves and to not place unrealistic expectations on themselves. To accept that every single day is not going to be the most amazing day of your life. Will you smile every time you see that toothless little grin staring up at you? Of course you will. Might you possibly shed some tears when your baby goes on a crying jag and nothing you do seems to provide your baby with comfort? Yes, you probably will. And guess what? That’s okay. That’s my whole point — as a new mom, don’t beat yourselves up if everything doesn’t go perfect.

    I wish you the best with your new baby — and frankly, I’m a little envious. As my youngest approaches 2, I’m trying to convince my husband that we need just one more baby.

  • FirstTimeMom

    Thanks for responding Stacie. Both on the boards and here. My point is that every experience is highly individual, as is every woman’s approach to child birth and child rearing. To complicate things further every baby is unique. The instructor in your birthing class probably knew that the women attending had already heard more than their fair share of horror stories and decided to provide a positive perspective to the whole experience. As you have seen on the boards from the responses of other women, this is no bad thing. Believe me, there is way too much negativity around pregnancy, child birth and child rearing that an woman pregnant for the first time picks up around her. Due to this reason many of us first time moms are happy to pick up any crumbs of positiveness we can get. That does not make us unrealistic, just hopeful.

  • Julie C.

    @FirstTimeMom

    You are in a transition state where right now you need to be reassured that everything will be all right. Guess what? It will be! Moms-to-be are a unique group, filled with equal parts wonder and joy and fear and self-doubt. Experienced moms get that. We lived it too.

    I think Stacie’s post was actually very positive. She was saying, don’t set yourself up for wine and roses everyday; you’re just as often going to get vomit and crying. AND THAT’S OKAY if you can’t live up to your ideal image of mommyhood every single moment.

    Being pregnant is awesome, being a new mom is awesome, being an experienced mom is kind of heavenly because you know you can handle anything and everything. So I think Stacie was speaking from experience, saying, we all want to be the perfect Mom, but often we can’t live up to it. Give yourself the forgiveness/space/patience/sleep you need to take a deep breath and try again. That’s all.

    And the horror stories? Those are just bragging rights. When you’ve had your child, and only another Mom understands or cares to hear about it, you’ll get it. I bet in a year’s time when you are telling your own birth story to someone, you’ll remember that you wished these stories would shut up and go away … but this time it will be you telling it! :) If you go through it, you get to talk about it!

  • Kate

    @Stacie. Seriously…number 3. That’s so funny because I’m on the verge of convincing MY husband that we need another one, too! With all the good and the bad rolled together, it still makes for a very interesting, tempting cake, doesn’t it? And just my two cents, I think a reality check that might include lowered expectations is actually a positive way to handle all that life can throw at you. If you expect France and you get Holland (to steal a metaphor I heard once before), that’s pretty disappointing. But, if you step back and erase expectations, Holland is pretty damn cool all on it’s own. And they wear such cute clogs!

  • http://abozubgo.blogspot.com k8

    “Nine out of 10 women who tell you… that they left the hospital in their pre-pregnancy jeans are liars. ”

    Or they were big fat fatties to begin with.

  • Angela

    Good for you for speaking up!

    I also was bombarded with promises of “wine and roses” from my prenatal class leader. I left angry and confused, thinking I was selfish for even contemplating an epidural! I have learned that a mother, or expecting mother needs to trust her own instincts and gut and turn a deaf ear to those around her. Take time to get over your birth experience. Giving birth is a major trauma on your body that can take over a year to completely recover from. And remember, the celebrities that say, “Oh, being a mother is easy and wonderful, and getting back my body was easy.” Has a nanny, trainer and housekeeper.

    My kids are now 2 and 3 years old and I’m still working to get over my depression! No one will lend a hand, but everyone is full of advice! (and by “advice” I mean, a nice word for “judgement” and “belittling”!) I have for the last three years been told by various outside parties that I’m lazy and not contributing to the household by not working and bringing in money; am neglecting my children, because I’m considering getting a job; have a messy house (toys), so not to expect any visitors; I need to sacrifice more of myself (hobbies, such as going to the gym 3x a week) and my activities and only live for my children’s needs if I want to be a good mother; I have really let myself go, and should think of going on a diet and losing weight; etc… See the pattern here, I have become an object of public property that can never win! No one will babysit, so you can forget the myth of “date night”. I’ve had medical emergencies where I’ve dragged my kids along because people were ‘too busy’ to watch them for me. Not to mention all the eye rolling you get when you enter a restaurant, church, etc. with a baby. We live is a hostile society, and women and mothers in general get the worst of it.

    If someone is considering having a baby, it’s time to prepare to be emotionally strong and more independent than you’ve ever been. It’s you and your baby against the world and you do what you need to do to get things done – that includes how YOU decide to birth and feed your baby, and how you’re going to raise them.

  • Mollee

    “If someone is considering having a baby, it’s time to prepare to be emotionally strong and more independent than you’ve ever been. It’s you and your baby against the world and you do what you need to do to get things done – that includes how YOU decide to birth and feed your baby, and how you’re going to raise them.”

    ^This.
    I definitely see FirstTimeMom’s point too though. I feel like I’m being beaten down by so much negativity thus far…from both mom “veterans” and childless friends who draw on what they see in the media.

    I’ve had a tough time dealing with people’s own insecurities with how their pregnancies and entrance into motherhood went. I don’t judge others and I’m big on “to each their own”, but I’ve struggled to get the same respect. I’m currently planning an unmedicated water birth and I literally skulk around with it as my secret. When someone FORCES me to spill it- I always get the same reaction- {who do you think you are?} you’re gonna want the meds. Some will go so far to roll their eyes at me and talk about how healthy their baby is that was pulled out by forceps while they were drugged up. Good for you! I don’t care! Seriously….I’ve gotten so much negativity for my “offbeat choices” that I’m just going to blatantly lie so people don’t get so defensive. I made the choice I thought was best for me…just like the people who give me disapproving looks and comments had their own choice that worked for them.

  • stacie

    @ Julie and @ Kate ~ Thanks ladies for saying exactly what I was having difficulty articulating. Sometimes I get SO emotional!!

    @Angela ~ I’m sorry to hear you’re still having difficulty. I do know what you mean about people being “too busy” to help out. You’re doing the right thing by going to the gym . . . exercise doesn’t have to be just about getting your figure back, it is also about a mental refresh and getting your head back on straight. Do you know other moms with similarly aged children? Perhaps you could all have a rotation of childcare? Or maybe all plan your errand days at the same time and split the cost of a babysitter?

    @Mollee ~ good for you for going your own way with your birth! I was fortunate in that my doctors advocated for a VBAC and non-medicated water birth. My friend who lives in the South had doctors and nurses pushing medication on her from the time she entered the hospital! Be sure your birthing partner knows exactly what you want and if necessary, write up a birth plan. And don’t EVER feel guilt about the way you’re choosing to birth. After it’s over and done with, you will feel SO empowered! As for all those people that give you the dirty looks? Screw ‘em. And I mean it. It’s your body, your baby, and your birth. You go momma!

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  • Mark

    Hey guys, I’m writing this from a male perspective (supporting my wife through the realities of early parenthood). We both had no idea what to expect, we tried to stay away from the flowery “its a blissful miracle joyous occasion (which to some degree it is). We are so happy with our beautiful baby girl, but the adjustment is hard. I can’t imagine what it must be like from the female perspective (women are the true hero’s of society).

    I want to continue to encourage this type of discussion, I simply cannot stand unrealistic goals that 99.9% of women can’t achieve. I’m sure after it’s all over and one reflects back on those early days after birth at being “perfection”…but the actuality of it is quite different.

    Much respect to the new parents out there and to the women who endure it all.

  • Rachel

    Thanks for being honest with everyone.

    I, however, have to throw in my lot with those who say that expectant mothers already hear a lot of horror stories and negativity.

    Whenever I hear women say “Everyone said it would be roses, and they lied!” I don’t know what they’re talking about. I have never heard other moms say that motherhood is a bed of roses. I’ve heard complaints, depression and misery much more than I’ve heard happiness.

    I guess I just don’t quite get where this “pressure to feel happy” is coming from. I and others often feel the pressure to “give up on feeling happy, because the deck is stacked so high against you as a mom that you might as well give up now.”

    Sorry to be so hyperbolic….that’s just how I feel.

  • Zama

    Hi to you all.

    I am 35weeks pregnant with my first baby.

    I must say i am so freaked out about being a mom, ofcourse my husband is thrilled. I am scared that i am not going to love this baby enough, i dont really feel the excitement i should be feeling about the arrival of this blessed gift.

    All I have been hearing from friends and family is how i will just gel with motherhood etc, but im scared that i might actually never feel the love, attachment to the baby as those lovely stories promise.

    This post has been an awakening knowing that its perfectly normal to be scared and stressed and am really glad that i will have my mom’s support during the first few weeks with the baby.

  • Kate

    @Zama – I’m very happy for you! Congratulations. My little truthful confession – it took me a while to bond with my baby. I wasn’t depressed or anything, didn’t have any post partum stuff to deal with I was just a little overwhelmed. I had heard that as soon as I saw that little wrinkly face I’d be in love and while I felt instantly protective, I looked at her like, “oh hi. that’s what you look like. ok. now what do we do?” That said, in hindsight (she’s 4) I’m totally and completely amazed at my love for her. It was like getting to know a best friend – instantly you know they are special, but in a beautiful bud sort of way. You have to wait to see the flower that will eventually blossom.

    I’m glad you have your mom to lean on. It’ll be great to have an expert so close by. You’ll be fine, truly you will. Let us know when the baby comes!!!

  • Julie

    My name is Julie and I have one little boy. When I was pregnant other moms would talk about how they absolutely loved all aspects of pregnancy however, granted there are a lot of parts that I enjoyed, it was not all peaches for me. I was so happy to find that I was pregnant cause we had been trying a while and needed my cardiologists approval, as I am a congenital heart patient and I am fortunate myself to even be alive even to this day. I beat all the odds that my doctors believed would set me back. Therefore having my son was a miracle in its self . He was born premature and only 4lbs 5oz. While recovering myself after labour and trying to be at the NICU, I was made to feel by nurses and other moms that If my son didn’t breast feed it was as though I was the worst parent ever. I tried everything to breast feed and my son did not have the sucking power to sustain it and therefore opted for the bottle over me. He made the decision not me and I had no room to try and force him because he had no weight available for flexibility. He is doing just fine being sub lamented by formula ladies. He actually sleeps longer as well, which made it easier for me to also aid in my recovery.

    If we look at other countries around the world, the whole family helps out when a mom has her baby. Grandmas come over to help cook and clean while you take care of baby. They even take baby for a bath or something while you rest. Our society focuses and puts so much pressure on moms being super heroes or something. Other countries also make it okay to feel over whelmed and stressed, so why do we insist on judging all of our moms and making it a competition. Now I only have one child and other than babysitting others babies, I could only imagine how stressful it must be when another comes along.

    We all need to stop pretending its perfect and that we got it all under control all the time. Now moms will understand this, but fathers, healthcare professionals and non-parents need to stop expecting it all to be perfect.

  • Lindsay

    Zama…

    I’m in exactly the same situation you are (only I’m 10 weeks behind you!). I’m scared to death that I won’t love this baby like I should or won’t be a good enough mother!

    I’m scared about having my body destroyed, about never having any personal time again and I’m sick of hearing my friends with kids (seemingly) rejoice that my life is as good as over!

    But, at least I have a fantastic husband and a supportive family…

  • Christina

    I love this post. I have 6 kids, and each one has been different. Believe it or not, people still try to give me advice!

    First time parents, lol, I earned my right to tell my horror labour stories…33 hours of labour and a 9lbs baby (that was my first), yup I earned it! Then, I had 5 more come out of my lady parts, and another one on the way! As much as you don’t like our horror stories, we “weathered” moms HATE hearing about how everything is going to be perfect for you, your baby will never get a pacifier or a bottle, and you’re gonna cloth diaper, have natural drug free labour (because women have been doing this forever so obviously our bodies just “know what to do”), oh and of course, you have everything scheduled including your “mommy and me” classes.

    Then, reality. The realisation that it takes 3 hours to get ready to go anywhere, because if you’re lucky enough to have a shower, well the baby decided it was going to cluster feed lol. Most of us don’t have the husband who is going to get up all night with us (they have to work, afterall, we like our bills paid and food in our bellies). More often than not, we walk out of the hospital still looking pregnant and walking ever so carefully because we are still tender!

    My body has been ruined, but it was worth it.

    One of the great things about having a few children, is perspective on what is important changes. Wearing my pre-baby bikini is just not a priority. That doesn’t mean I let myself go lol.

    I think this post is just great

  • babythoughts

    I would personally like to tell you to eat shit.
    Millions of women around the world dream of having a baby and cannot due to infertility. Those of you who have no problems getting pregnant and do with the drop of a feather then take it for granted. This article is despicable. You make me sick.

  • stacie

    I appreciate your candor, but would also like you to consider a few things. You have no idea how many of us have dealt with infertility. You are assuming that each of us were able to get pregnant at the drop of a hat. Not so. With my first, yes. But that second baby that I so desperately wanted? 10 years and a handful of miscarriages later, I finally carried a child to term. I don’t take being a parent or my children for granted … I suspect that none of us here take that blessing and responsibility for granted. This article was not meant to convey that message at all. In fact, it was meant to let new moms know that the road is not always easy and that they should not consider themselves a failure if they need to ask for help. It was also meant to convey the message that, if you don’t immediately feel a connection to your baby or you don’t wake up feeling like every single day is straight out of a movie, that’s okay too.

    I wish you the best of luck in conceiving. The road of infertility is a difficult one and I highly recommend you check out the site http://infertility.about.com. Rachel is an excellent writer who has dealt extensible with infertility. Her site is an incredible Resource for those trying to conceive. And if the time comes, do yourself a favor and try not to spend your entire pregnancy worrying that everything will be okay. I did that and looking back, I regret not enjoying those ten months just a little more.

  • Heather

    Thank You!!!!! Thank You!!!! Thank You!!!! For all of you ladies just being honest and saying what a lot of people are afraid too. This is my first pregnancy and I am beyond scared and nervous about it all. I hear stories some being good and others being bad, but then I keep hearing you will forget all about it once you see the baby. I’m sorry but I think that at that point there is still more to come. I plan to seriously take it one day at a time and I am being realistic with myself that everyday won’t be peachy. I am concerned about my shape after the baby, will my baby nurse well, sleep well, and the lists goes on and on. All I can do is pray!!!!!

  • momma to be

    hey, I know a bunch of ppl looking at your lady parts is not beautiful but for them doctors and nurses its really not big a deal. You are their millionth patient, they have seen many before you. You are just another patient for them. And besides like I have been told when you are giving birth you dont care who is there and watching, you just want that thing outta you.

    Thanks for the post.

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  • Karen

    @babythoughts wow I am sorry to see how much anger you have. I am one over the millions of women who have major fertility issues. 10 iui ‘s and beginning my second ivf treatment this week. Dealing with the realistic ups and downs of pregnancy and parenthood is not taking it for granted and I think it is unfair to invalidate how someone is feeling soley based on your opinion. This is never easy and for many getting pregnant is a struggle and staying pregnant is utterly heartbreaking. We are all on our own journey on how we define ourselves and our families and we often do not have control over many parts of it. We do however have control over how we treat others no matter what our situation is and each person has the right to be treated with respect.

  • Autumn

    Ok, the women ranting and tearing into the writer for being able to have a child is irrational and cruel. Everyone has trials and tribulations they go through in their lives. I KNOW personally the heartache of infertility and miscarriage…but do you spend your time trying to find websites where pregnant women are chatting just to yell at them? How awful. Spread love, not hate. It is not anyone’s fault that so many women are infertile, and its insane to come on here bashing women who can carry a child to term. We are not saying we hate our babies and don’t want them. You’re allowing your emotions to get the best of you and you’re taking what she said wayyyyyy out of context.

  • SarJ

    I’m in the 3rd trimester of my first pregnancy, and to be completely honest I feel people like @babythoughts are a part of the reason some moms feel this pressure. I’m part of a pregnancy website message board, and every time someone complains about pregnancy symptoms or expresses doubts or worry about being a parent, someone dealing or who has dealt with infertility eviscerates them for being ungrateful, and they get the whole “do you have any idea how much some of us would LOVE to be in your shoes…” and so on. I’m blessed to not have dealt with infertility, but I hope if it is an issue down the road I will have the grace to handle it like Stacie or my BF and not demand that everyone’s feelings and emotions are dependent on and secondary to my own.

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  • Alisa

    Im 30wks pregnant with my first. I go from feeling horrified to crying from joy at the thought of holding my boy. I worry, but I try to remember that if it was so impossible, humanity would be all dead by now :) but seriously… The idea of putting LESS pressure on ourselves and NOT giving a damn about how people evaluate us is very very important for women in our culture, not just when it comes to motherhood. We did fertility treatments to get pregnant, I had a horrific Time week 6-15. I was depressed, threw up everything I ate, neglected work, slept all day, had suicidal thought and generally felt the worst I ever did. I now feel much better! When I was in my second trimester, things started to get better and I spoke up a lot about decisions like taking meds while pregnant, not knowing what to expect and the horrible guilt of not being a perfect mom. Not many women agreed to speak, most feel they MUST adhere to a “perfect” image of self or risk not being good enough. Those who did talk about it, spoke of how scary all the unknowns were and how it all got better in time. Taking care of yourself is key because everything the baby has they get from you. Having a caring spouse, not just a provider is Los important.
    I hereby declare that I took allergy meds, smoked one cigarette when under huge stress, acted like a maniac and now taking anti depressants. I plan to take most meds and epidurals and worst of all: I plan to go back to work (self employed) as fast as I possibly can. <—- hard not to judge me, I know. But guess what? I'm gonna be a great mom and all the women here probably will be too. Why? Because we care enough to worry as much as we do. Life is too short to live by the expectations of people who do not even live up to their own. A real person who is humble and who went through the hurdles will offer compassion and understanding. Surround yourself with what makes you happy, that's what the baby will remember when their older: that their mom was happy and they will be happy as well. Happy motherhood y'all!

  • stacie

    Well said Alisa!! As a self-employed person, I too took very little time off … 48 hours to be exact. I still haven’t had a maternity leave! But I am a great mom too.

    Thanks for sharing your story … I think it’s very important that moms-to-be know that their “comrades in battle” are letting their guard down.

    Best wishes for a swift delivery and enjoy those first few moments with that gorgeous baby boy!

    Stacie

  • Mom33

    I’m honestly shocked by the level of intensity on both sides of the topic that people have. Guys, think for a second. This is just other people’s experiences – not yours. There will be good days, there will be bad days. Is that surprising advice? @Stacie is providing HER perspective. If others can relate, great. If others disagree, great. If you are freaking out bc “the pressures society puts on you”, well screw society. Are you bulimic bc there’s societal pressures to be thin? Ladies, you’re an adult now. Stop worrying about what others think and take care of yourself.

  • Mae1971

    I really loved this article. thanks for sharing it with us, sleep deprived and exhausted new moms

  • Cmar

    Great write. This almost made me cry! I am beginning to feel better about how I am feeling, and I am so glad that I am not alone!

  • LetsKeepItReal

    Wow! If any of those women are as jealous and hateful as you @babythoughts, perhaps it’s best that they/you can’t reproduce.

  • hue

    Well thank goodness I don’t ever want to have children of my own. Hello adoption lol. Or maybe just cats and dogs lol.

  • lol

    Seriously. Maybe there’s a reason you can’t have kids.

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  • http://www.facebook.com/better.than.this Desireé Gulledge

    I think this is a very realistic article.I know it is going to be difficult being a new mom but I know I wont really know the level of just HOW difficult its going to be at first.I havent put this idea in my head where its all going to be easy and smooth sailing the whole time..I think alot of women know what they are getting into by wanting to get pregnant and have a family, its the ones who dont plan it I think, are the ones who think unrealistically about it.

  • ECM

    Thank you! Its nice to see someone putting words to what I felt was something wrong with me. I was blessed with a quick labor (2 hours of contractions, and about 5 pushes) but it was the middle of the night and I was exhausted. My husband fell in love with DD right away but I was just so glad it was over and so tired so it took a couple hours for me to totally bond with her, which i felt so guilty for. Nobody told me that the hormones that then proceeded to race through me would make me cry at the drop of a hat for the next 2 weeks. Nobody told me that breast feeding would be so hard to get used to (lethargic jaundiced newborn issue). Luckily I had friends who were supportive when I spoke up and told me that it was ok to feel the way I was feeling. Thank you for putting it out there that its not all sunshine and roses :)

  • J

    Well done for writing this article, having had my son in April this year I can very much relate to your comments. Thankfully I haven’t suffered from depression but was very traumatized following 30hr labour and emergency c-section. Its nice to hear someone tell it like it is. Sadly it is very much the case that mothers are set for failure when they are told everything is simply wonderful when the truth of motherhood is that some parts are fab and others are truly awful! Expectant mothers should really be given a more realistic ideas by those who are trying to help them prepare.

  • betterlatethannever

    Wow, I think maybe you need some professional help. You really do just seem like a mean person and I feel sorry for you. I can’t reproduce either but I don’t go around hating other people that can. I understand the constant emotional pain you feel in your heart but its no reason to sit hear and make other people feel bad for their capabilities and YOUR incapabilities. You are basically asking mothers not to voice their concerns or struggles with parenthood and that’s not fair! Please do everyone and yourself a favor and GET HELP! You feeling this way can’t in any way be healthy. I do wish the best for you yours, God Bless.

  • nosh

    Exactly what i felt… despite having read all pregnancy articles…none described the after event feelings!I love the article. made me feel stronger and more confident now that im starting to adjust well with my new life.

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