Not So Stellar Moments of Motherhood
Have you ever thought something in your head and in your head, it’s really funny or witty or smart? Lacking the discipline to keep it there, you say the words out loud and as soon as you do you realize that you probably should have just kept quiet.
What is the saying? Better to remain silent and thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt? I have a tendency to remove all doubt.
Let’s just say that your children were being extremely rambunctious (crack ninjas even) and you think to yourself, I’d really like to return these maniacs to the baby store. We’d never dare say such things out loud because we know better. We are not horrible people, we’re just a little exhausted from 8 years of no sleep and we’ve not spoken to another adult in a couple months.
We’re not bad people but as soon as you say something like your kids are crack ninjas or you want to return them, people tend to get on their high horse and not find you funny.at.all.
More often than not, we stand there in silence, biting our tongues while our hair falls out in clumps from stress and we develop ulcers. We smile, eat our feelings and DCFS is kept out of the picture.
In reality, what choice do we have? In a calm and quiet voice, bend to their eye level and try to reason with children beneath the age of reason? Have you seen anyone ever actually do this? I have and while it is perfectly PC and I wish I could be more like that mom, it seldom works and is usually met with a forceful “NO!” which translates in baby language as “Go Eff yourself, lady!”
Perhaps, you could send them on their way to a nice long (age appropriate= 1 minute per year of life) “time out”. Excuse me but if the time out is under 2 minutes, foggedaboutit. It’s simply not going to work.
If your child is too young to walk, time out won’t work. Aside from the fact they will just crawl away, the child will flee out of sheer incomprehension. I tried this and ended up chasing a giggling toddler around the room like Benny Hill. She thought it was a game called catch the baby. I lost 3 pounds and never caught the baby.
If the child is too old for time out, they sit there ignoring you and waiting out the time out. They are content with this time to gather their thoughts and plan their bedtime revolt.
You can’t spank your child no more than you can kick your dog. You just can’t, so just let that idea slip right out of your head. Seriously, don’t even think about it.
But if you could say anything to your children when they were acting out, without landing in jail, I bet it would go something like this.
“Come here you little punk, I bet a good dose of water-boarding will make you pick up those damn Polly pockets!”
“Oh yeah, NO to me? NO to you! NO dinner! No toys! No clothes! No play dates! I’m taking it all away!!!”
“You hate me? Well, you are short!”
“Why? Why? Because, I said so that’s why!”
“Please, for the love of GOD, GO TO SLEEP!!!!!!!”
Thankfully, more often than not, we practice not using our inside voice outside of our head, but sometimes we have a slip and that is when you have to laugh it off or ignore it all together and just let people wonder if you were serious. Remember, better to remain silent.
Photo Source: David Salafia