Living Between Mommy & Me
I woke up this morning, an hour earlier than usual. It probably has something to do with my recent push to actually get some sleep. I was beginning to feel that sleep deprived state where you feel like you are in a fog.
Speaking of which, I awoke this morning with the remnants of a bad dream lingering on the horizon. In this dream, my husband tells me that he “likes” my friend. You know like when you are in elementary school and you “like” a boy. This is not what any woman wants to hear from her husband about her girlfriend, especially when she is your complete opposite.
Dream or not, it stabs a little bit. The laundry list of what he liked about her went on for what seemed like forever, which I suppose it would if you had to listen to your husband list why he likes another woman more than you. It was all like a horrible, cruel joke; a nightmare really.
I woke up feeling mocked, flawed and insecure. I’ve never felt so vulnerable and raw in my entire life. I’m not sure if this sleep thing is for me, if this is the side effect of sleep. I don’t like feeling so exposed.
It’s made me think hard about some things. Sometimes we spend so much of our time as Mommies powering through life that we never take the time to actually dwell on things like we did before we had kids.
That is usually a good thing because it saves us from living like lovesick teenagers; worrying about every look, glance, hidden meaning behind every word or gesture, second-guessing our relationships. But maybe sometimes we need to be reminded that we are not just Moms, who have to be strong for everyone, we are women. Living, breathing human beings who have wants and needs of our own and that’s okay.
Sometimes we need to invest some time dwelling on our relationships with our spouses and ourselves. After all, they fell in love with soft young girls, who doted on their every breath and hung on every word. My husband met me when I was 25 and in the best shape of my life, physically. I used to turn heads when I entered a room. I was vivacious and full of life.
I know we don’t have time for such niceties as lingering looks and 2-hour tub soaks everyday with the house falling down around us, kids swinging from the chandeliers, bills to be paid, and laundry to be done, but I think my dream was a reminder that I need to make more of an effort to be just me when he and I are alone. I need to look at myself as a woman and not just a mother because if I don’t, no one else will either and that can’t be good for any relationship.
Mommy mode is too high powered to remain in 24/7; if we stay on mommy mode we will burn out our motors and then we will be of no use to anyone.
How do you make time for yourself and your marriage when you have young children?
Photo Source: Ali Edwards